Last week was a rough week for me. There was a test, a practical, and then another test the following Monday. Needless to say, I was a ball of stress. Similar to a ball of yarn that you rescue from a litter of kittens after a few hours. At least when asked to describe me, my husband was kind enough to stress the word hot before mess. He’s so wise, that man. 😉
So many little pieces were in front of my eyes. They all had the same need, but alas, there are only 24 hours in a day, and I would like to be nice to my family whenever possible, tests or not tests.
I tried to do it all. I tried my best to Liz Lemon it, but we all know how that can turn out.
So, I turned to my tarot deck for some “support”.
I was hoping for a nice and warm card like the empress who’s totally showing off how much she’s got this thing call life covered. Or even something more simple, the Star, which for me is my “I need to refill my own cup first” card.
Instead I pulled the King of Swords, reversed. For me, swords are “head” cards. They represent the mind, the logical, literal, must be in control of everything cards. And to see the King, the master of all things heady standing on his head, I knew I needed to get out of my head.
But, not today. It’s never right then, ever. Am I right?
Okay, so that day ends, I have one more day before the stats test. I “study” as best I can. I really don’t enjoy stats, so it takes a LOT to even try to do this. But I tried. I worked through our review packet, I looked over things. After 30 minutes, I slam my hand down on my imaginary Fuck it button. That’s it. I’m done. Who cares about stats! In a huff I turn to my tarot cards and pull the Fool, reversed.
The fool and I are not the best of friends. I don’t pull him often, so we had to have some small talk before getting down to the heart of the matter. The Fool is usually my “what could go wrong” card, the “leap then look” card. However, while reversed, he was telling me to halt my super impulsive horses and look first. So I made a plan to get back to studying, but with a time limit and reward for my super duper hard work. (The reward was to read in bed, if you were wondering. That is one of my favoritest things)
Okay, so I took a few deep breaths, worked a little more and then called it quits when I wasn’t understanding anything anymore. I sorta listened to the card, but I don’t think it was just this instance it was referring to. No, it was letting me think about things that would come the next day.
School the next day was just a pit of anxiety. I had a hard time not getting wrapped up in it. I am still working on this, it’s a really big challenge. However, when I would get going the Fool would float up into my mind for some reason. Don’t jump into the anxiety right now, you have enough of your own to deal with and you really don’t need any more. I listened as best I could.
It actually helped. The test was awful, but I could at least attempt an answer for everything. And I passed it, so what more do you want? I’m totally good with that.
By this time, I wasn’t as worried about the practical the next day. It involved people, and I’m good with people. I am an introvert to the max, but I can people with the best of them. I just need to nap for 12 hours afterwards, but I’ve got this.
I am still waiting so see how that goes, but it’s cool.
I spend time with my family over the weekend. The kids and I had some good time together and I was relaxed. It was so nice. Sunday afternoon, I had a study session with some classmates and got caught up in the frazzledness all over again. So got home and panicked for a bit, studied more, and freaked myself out.
Monday morning, I arrived on campus 30 minutes before the test. I had my cards in my bag and I pulled the 2 of pentacles out. However, she was reversed. In the druidcraft deck, when she’s reversed it looks like she’s dropping the balls, but it okay with it. This was my sign to let it go. It’s a test. It’s not that important in the long run. I need to just do my thing, read the questions, pick the right answers, and take many many many breaths.
So I did. I listened to another chapter on my audiobook. I walked in a little early, but I didn’t really study. I helped answer questions of my classmates, but if I didn’t know it, I let someone else answer and I just tried to remain calm.
As I took the test, I felt that 10 out of the 30 questions were confusing. But I took many breaths and didn’t jump into answers blindly, I listened to my gut, I did think about the questions and the answers, and when I did want to throw my hands up and turn it in because I was flustered, I didn’t. My grade in the class was high enough, that even a test score that low wouldn’t be the end of my time in the program. And then I took many more big and little breaths.
And after I turned it in, I was okay with myself. I tried my best, I gave it my all, and I can’t do anything else about it right now. I let that go. Dropped it like it was more than lukewarm.
Why do I need so much nudging? I get so mad with the kids when I have to repeat myself 47 times, and here I am acting just like one of them. Where is the thing I’m looking for? No, it’s obviously not that thing right in the middle of the floor that looks identical to what i’m looking for. Nope not it, it’s a clone.
Get out of my head, slow down and don’t be impulsive with my choices, and I can’t carry it all.
Solid message. Now if only I could accept them as they come. Stop fighting them.
So there it is. My refusal to listen to the cards. My cards and I are pretty tight, they give solid advice when I’m big enough to take it. 😉
All of that stress, and I could have been more receptive and enjoyed my week rather than drowning in feelings of overwhelm about all of the things.
Side note: I read tarot without the book. I have the Druidcraft Tarot Cards and they tell great stories. I use the stories. Anyone else do that? Any one have a favorite deck?