Changes suck ass

Change.  It’s one of those things that is needed but not always wanted.  Sometimes not ever.

Right now, I am going through a needed and wanted change – a new way to embrace spirit and all that is above the mundane.  However, I am not happy with my body or habits.

Houses won’t stand with a weak foundation.  Plants don’t bloom if soil can be contained.

My personal foundation, my pot, is my body.  And I really have issues with it.  Not just how it looks, but how it feels.  I do love my body, I am fairly comfortable in my skin, but a few areas can throw all the confidence I have out a window in front of an oncoming bus.

Physically, I my belly fat isn’t shrinking.  In fact, it’s been growing.  This is becoming VERY unsettling for me.  In my mind’s eye, I don’t have it or even notice it.  However, when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself – my confidence isn’t always gleaming out of my eyes.  I am subconsciously uncomfortable – you can see it if you look closer.  My posture, my hands, my eyes.  I don’t feel like that, at least I don’t think I feel that way, but then I look again, and I am surprised that that is my outward projection of myself.

The extra weight is pulling me down emotionally, even when I am not thinking about it.  Sometimes I do think about it, and I can’t stop.  Usually at 3am, when I can’t really do much to distract myself.  So I lie there in bed, berating myself for how much control I’ve lost.  And then I beat myself down so much that the next day I give in to every single craving that is caused by anxiety, guilt, shame, or frustration.  I know the sources – I know that I am not hungry, but I can’t stop.

Other things that have been going on – I have a large cyst on my ovary.  It’s uncomfortable, but everyone tells me that it’s fine.  They happen.  It does rupture (can tell you exactly when too…ugh…) but it is replaced by another.  It is uncomfortable, but nothing I need to worry about.

To me this is screaming that my hormones are off.  This isn’t the only sign I’ve been taking note of: my skin isn’t as resilient as it once was, my facial hair is becoming more obnoxious (mammal problems), and I sweat a lot – all the time – no matter how cold or hot I am, no matter what deodorant I use.  It’s the stinky anxiety sweat too.  I don’t feel the anxiety most of the time – so I know there is something wrong, just below the surface.  Just on the brink of surfacing.

Will losing weight help with these issues?

Well, the confidence probably most likely.  The health of my body, why wouldn’t it?  I’ll be changing my diet, which will change my body, my health, my life.

Is this going to be fun or easy?  Nope, not at all…  It will take work not to burnout.  It will take work to be patient enough to see any benefits – it’s a slow change.  But it’s needed, very much so.

So what is the plan?

The keto diet – train my body to burn fat – I have enough of it.

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